Missing that Idiot with Pink Glasses

It is my birthday today. And it is a bit different from the yesteryear birthdays. The last one year had changed me. Changed me so entirely, that people who look for the muddled up girl trying her best to string two sentences together, get stumped as they look at this me, the new me. But is this new me happier than that stuttering, stammering, unkempt idiot? Did she feel that same throbbing emptiness that is coursing through me right now? She held steadfastly to her dreams, and they did get realized eventually – but where was she then? She had given way to a woman of slutty emotions, steely resolutions and alternating facades.

Let me tell you the story of the idiot who died. Or got lost, perhaps. I have been looking for her, but perhaps she is dead. Or perhaps she is shit scared of me. I have stolen her identity, and raped her. That idiot used to be shy; she would take shelter in the world of books, would fall in love with anyone who cared to listen to her whine and pine and caressed her wounded self-esteem by telling her how she would shine – one day, someday. The kid was fat, and a prat. To be precise, she was the most harmless, docile, insipid creature who stayed snug in her comfort zone, not wanting to step out, not wanting to change, not wanting to take charge, not wanting to live…

So, am I better off than that idiot? Because I am not just surviving, am living, and living life to the fullest. Yes, getting trashed and thrashed by life, but am still alive, licking my wounds, thinking of strategies to dodge the next blow. So should I say that am better off? Well, you see, the idiot, before she got lost or died an early death, had taken her revenge. She took away the rose-tinted glasses, the pink shades which make the world seem rosy. And now, I have to take the world for what it is – screaming, in your face and bloody. Somehow, am missing the idiot. Is she there? Find her please, will you? Tell her that I will make amends. Tell her that I will nurse her wounds. Tell her that I will let her take charge, at times. She needs to come back. And please tell her to bring those glasses back. I am sure they will make me look pretty, and the world prettier.

"Sometimes, I give myself the creeps!"

There are times when I think of running away. To some other city, country, world…any place, where I won’t have those goddamn voices chasing me, haunting me, scaring the shit out of me! And then there are times, when I don’t feel like coming out of my den. Hiding in comforting darkness, I have my thoughts, dreams and fantasies keeping me sedated, near oblivious of the world around. I lie on my bed, wrapped in comforting numbness, and shun the world at large.

There are times when I feel I have it in me to own the world, to queen over it. And when I have those sudden spurts of confidence, I find an unfamiliar zest for life pulsing through me, pounding in my blood, asking me to go and grab what I deserve. And for the rest of the time, when I am no longer hung over from spirits, I find my confidence hitting the bottom with a clank! I retreat to a corner, shying away from prying eyes, lying smiles.

There are times when I give free rein to the kid inside me. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand, not caring about kohl, mascara or any other facade that I have put on. Laughter rings out – loud, pure and clear. At times other than this, am a young lady, all prim and proper, my silence intimidating, my looks deceiving. And then there are times, when I hover in between – who am I, where am I going? For whom am I going? Is there anyone out there, waiting for me?

Sometimes, I give myself the creeps.
Sometimes, my mind plays tricks on me.

It all keeps adding up, I think I am cracking up.

Am I just Paranoid? Am I just Stoned?
(Basket Case, Green Day)

Tale of a Child, Who is a Bit Wild!

The woman has enough on her plate. The child is quite a handful. The child pines and whines, all day long. She pines for what she can’t have, and whines as to why she can’t have them. The woman reasons with her, and tries to make her find happiness in the small joys of life. Sometimes she succeeds and the child’s laughter rings out, loud and clear. Sometimes, the child is inconsolable and the woman just browbeats her into silence. After all, the woman always has the last word.

The woman has enough on her plate. The child is quite a handful. The child won’t let go of anybody who comes close to her. Even if she annoys them to death, she refuses to let them alone. She would cling on to them, her tiny fingers clutching at them with all their might. The woman distracts her, so that these people can move away. She tries to keep her from being a nuisance to other people, she teaches her to live on her own. At times, the child grudgingly lets go of the people but most of the times, the woman tricks her into doing that. After all, the child can never get better of the woman.

The woman has enough on her plate. The child is quite a handful. Love is what she hankers after – care is something she can never have enough of. Give her a bit of love, and she can renounce the world for you. The woman wants her to be selfish. She warns the child that there are people out there who can barge into her world one day, only to leave in a huff some other day. The child does not give a damn to what the woman says. And she suffers. And she breaks down. The woman takes charge. The child recedes in the background, in some dark room, away from the prying eyes. Right now, the woman is in charge – the child is locked up somewhere, waiting to be freed…

She Died Last Night

She died last night. Oh yes, she is still trotting around, – look, there she goes, a book tucked under her arm! But she’s all ‘plastic’, if you know what I mean? Plastic smile, plastic memories! She died when she discovered that he was more ‘alive’ than he had ever been, while he was with her! “More alive”– that’s crappy stuff! How can someone be “more alive”? Well, she had never seen that look in his eyes, that piercing look that she spotted now, when he looked at her – the new girl in his life. That one look had killed her, had sapped her of love, life and if there is anything beyond them.

She died last night. Oh yes, she is still working her ass off! You would rarely find anybody else who slogs for such good many hours. Crisp words of praise are still coming her way. And she is smiling that plastic smile. It no longer reaches her eyes. Hollow eyes; bereft of dream and hope. She died when she found out that his arms were home to someone else now. She had always wanted to lose herself in his arms. To call it her home, she didn't have any other. But now they have sheltered somebody else and held her more tightly, than they had ever held her. That hug had somehow left her feeling cold, and the coldness won’t go away, no matter how many blankets she piled on.

She died last night. Oh yes, she still replies to all the texts and phone calls, and is as prompt as ever in getting back to you, if you leave a message for her. But the fingers and the lips move mechanically. Her brain prompts her, her heart is numb, and no, not comfortably numb! The numbness, at times, tampers with her facade, and then you get those blank stares that might leave you at a loss! She died when she discovered that he isn't coming back! No. No. A bit of spring cleaning, and he has thrown away the most useless part of his life – Her. That one revelation has slackened her grip on life. Her love for life has perhaps become extinct – there is nothing left of it.

She died last night. Are you coming to her funeral?

Time to cage the madness in, eh?

Disillusionment. Disintegration. And then trying to put the broken pieces together. That has been life for me – over the years, I have dreamt rose-tinted dreams, and some rude experience or the other has snapped me out of them. They scruffed me, the experiences – their sharp nails digging into my tender, inexperienced skin and shoved me right back into the stark reality where the blush was replaced by gore and blood.

The stench suffocated me, the shards made me bleed till I would scream in pain – and after a while, I would heal and again, yes again, grope for my pink shades – wanting to dream, to live.

I would cling to people – would let the ‘sorted’ facade slip for a while and give free rein to my emotions, be the madcap I was, laugh raucously, eat uncouthly, dig noses (ew, did you just say?) – they were people who meant the world to me, friends/family – I  didn't want to label them – no, they made up my ‘world’ – no tag was enough to describe what they meant to me.

I would cling to goals – my ambitions, ones that are supposed to fetch me money, recognition and the whole crappy lot – the ones that get you noticed. And attention is something everybody likes – and I love it till date, I love it when somebody laps up all the shitty philosophical stuff I dole out, the one that makes me sound all so ‘grown up’!

Yes, clingy I was – clingy, nagging self that people would ‘pet’ whenever they could find time (they were all very understanding, trust me!) – and at other times, I would just whine over how “nobody had time for me?”!

Goals – I lacked the zeal to make them happen – and so they remained what they were, goals and nothing more!

And now a week of introspection and I realize – time to put away the glasses and look at the world and take it for what it is – where people take to facades and shun rawness – and you can either allow that loneliness to fuck your mind or let it be the oasis to dip your soul in!

Disillusionment complete. Disintegration complete.

Time to cage the madness in, eh?